Alien vs. Predator: Requiem

I should have been more suspicious. If my colleague Greg gave 1 star to Aliens vs Predator first volume – then perhaps I should lash out and leave this one bare.

I guess everybody agrees that Paul Andersons’ Aliens vs Predator was not good. Including the guys in charge of the new opus (Visual effects specialists Strause Brothers) who claimed their major influence for this new movie were: Rambo and ALIENS.

But then again, there is paying homage and then there is playing copycat. In this case, I guess copycatting those 2 movies actually made me realize how good both movies were compared to how shamelessly bad Aliens vs Predator Requiem is. Though I try to be fair, the Strause Brothers have just massacred this flick front, back, right, left and center … and the worthless script didn’t help either.

We start the movie right after Aliens vs Predator were a « Predalien » forces the Predator scouting ship that just left Antartica to crash land in Colorado. (Yeah– the small geezer just got real big in less than 10 minutes!) While the Predalien and a small colony of face-huggers start colonizing the small town, the crash-landed ship sends a distress beacon back to the Predators home planet.

Now in any normal movie, this is more or less the part where; while the cavalry is on the way; we are introduced to characters we can identify with – a.k.a. the heroes. Especially since we’re in a small town lost in the forests of Colorado where everybody knows each other etc… this narrative process would have been ideal for this kind of situation.

Instead, we’re introduced to a covenant of Serial Losers: An introverted pizzaboy, his ex-con elder brother, some blond chick, a soldier freshly back from Irak (Reiko Aylesworth from the 24h series) and a town sheriff who has the acumen of a koala bear. Now bear in mind that calling them second rate actors is an insult to any support cast member. TV series actors should stay in TV series and never bother with motion pictures.

To top it, we also have the insufferable dialogs… screenwriters might have gone on strike. But when a script dialogue as bad as that, I wouldn’t be surprised if 20th Century FOX would actually ask them for reparations for the damage caused to 2 of the best SCI-FI horror franchises that existed in the last decades.

ALIENS had excellent quotes:
Hudson: hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Vasquez (to Hudson) No! Have you?

Ripley: These people are here to protect you. They’re soldiers.
Newt: It won’t make any difference.

Ripley: Get away from her you B!tc# !

Anyway – back to this amalgam of amateur filming Don’ts - the various scenes are while waiting for the cavalry are not worth being mentioned, the worst perhaps being the “Predalien” chasing a bunch of students in the local swimming pool …Oh! Wait! I forgot the incubation scene with the pregnant woman! Guess what?! She dies !

And when at last the soldiers arrive - remember this is the famous ALIENS inspiration of the Strause brothers – they are barely a dozen soldiers and all dispatched within less than a minute. What a joke! I can still remember the names of the soldiers in ALIENS: Hicks, Vasquez, Hudson, Apone, Frost, Drake, Wierzbowski, Ferro, Spunkmeyer … I even remember that spineless Lieutenant Gorman. I saw Aliens vs Predator Requiem yesterday, I can’t remember the names of anybody – and worse I didn’t even care about their names.

Anyway, that homage for you, a long wait for a cheap let down. But lo and behold, I had forgotten about the Predator cavalry, one guy! Alone! Against a ton of mean lean ugly bugs.

But then again, a waste, the photography – trying to look dark and foreboding – is soo dark we can’t see anything. A complete failure for Daniel Pearl (who also did the “lighting” in Pathfinder). We can hear the screams, we can distinguish some things happening about but we never see anything.

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but an Alien has sharp fingers, an even sharper tail, a double jaw where the second series of teeth shoot out and can break through bones and everything, without forgetting the acid for blood!

Predator, on his side, has retractable blades, a discus that can cut though virtually anything, a spear, a shoulder mounted laser and an atom bomb on his forearm … now these 2 beings can generate quite a bit of carnage on their own, so imagine what could happen if they pit against each other : Monster Mayhem ! I see more blood and guts in any Tarantino movie.

There is gore, violence and blood … but it’s filmed so poorly we can’t distinguish anything …

And the End! Oh lord! Typical stupid teenage horror flick split up.
We’ll go that way ‘coz that’s where helps coming from.
We’ll go this way ‘coz help will never arrive. (What is this? the Poseidon adventure!?)

And a grand finale … Give me a break. Did IQs just suddenly drop in Colorado?

Aliens vs Predator Requiem is an insult to the fans, the franchise and the movie potential. Unforgivable.

After Ridley Scott, James Cameron, David Fincher, J.P. Jeunet, John Mc Tiernan and Stephen Hopkins, the Strause Brothers look like amateurs who freshly graduated from some back-water film school.

Congratulations ! You just ruined 2 of the best franchises Hollywood ever had.

My only conclusion is this: Visual Effects should restrain completely and permanently from taking the Directors seat.

The only good thing about this movie is the trailer for Hellboy 2. And that was before the movie starts. I’m not giving this movie a star.