Hitch or Miss

Hitch looks bad. You see the trailer in the theater and you roll your eyes as far back in your as they’ll go, and you elbow your boy/girl/friend and say, “Gosh, a movie about Will Smith and Eva Mendes, and they’re playing “Now That We Found Love” by Heavy D and the Boys? I wonder if they’ll hook up! What do you think!” and your boy/girl/friend giggles and tells you to be quiet. Then you forget about it. Then you’re flipping channels at 11 on a weeknight and Will is on “Oprah” on some double-digit channel and he’s doing his slick little flappy-eared Fresh Prince act, and flirting with Oprah, and you think, heh, that was kind of funny, what he just said about the homies watching him film the scene where the fat guy from “The King of Queens” kisses him in Brooklyn, and they’re all, aw, hell no, Will–come on, bro! Then they show a few clips and you’re like, OK, that was funny too, where they’re dancing and Will Smith is like, “Do the Q-Tip, do the Q-Tip, and throw it away!” It’s not like you’re gonna go SEE it or anything, though. It was just funny, that’s all.

And then it’s Friday night and you’re smashingly bored, and some friend of yours has a pass to a showing of “Hitch”, and there’s nothing better playing, so you go. You know the plot is thin: Will is a professional playa who teaches other men to play; Eva is a smart, saucy journalist who gets targeted by Will. Meanwhile, Will coaches Kevin James, a socially inept tax adviser, on how to win the heart of a client. So when Will and Eva meet in a snotnosed Manhattan bar, your jaw is set, your arms are folded. Oh, please, here it comes. But accidentally, you get sucked into it, without even noticing. You find yourself rooting for Eva. Don’t take any crap from that wanker, Eva. He’ll just hurt you. THEN, her best friend gets played by some OTHER guy, and the guy mentions something about “the Date Doctor” as he kicks her out of bed, and you are incensed! Willard Smith, you cad! Eva’s friend is just a nice Southern girl looking for love! When Eva swears to find and expose this Date Doctor, you’re circling your wagons. Let’s get him.

You spend the rest of the movie on your haunches, wrapped up in the missed-connections romance between Eva, who doesn’t know that Will is the Dastardly Date doctor, and Will, who is realizing that he may have been Wrong about Women after all. You can forgive Amber Valletta for completely phoning in her performance as Kevin James’ love interest; he’s fat and dweeby and she liked him anyway. Your heart is touched, or its strings are tugged, or whatever. You are also enjoying the R&B/hiphop soundtrack. Endorphins in your brain feel good. Then, at the end, after everyone’s fallen in love properly, Eva and Amber have a dance party and they do the Swim and the Robot and you are thoroughly charmed to the tips of your eyelashes. You don’t have to like it, or admit it to your friend, who sees you obliviously grinning and is making fun of you. You are.

Or maybe that’s just me.